Think of a dream you had that you didn’t follow through on because of a “Yeah, but.” Yeah, I really want to be a doctor, but I’m not smart enough. Yeah, I have the soul of a musician, but my father insisted I join the family construction business.
So many people have dreams they hold dear, yet they cut off their possibilities before ever giving them a real chance to come true.
What stands in the way of your getting what you want in life? Over the last two decades of leading, coaching, and teaching hundreds of people, I’ve noticed several common behavioral patterns that put a cork on our enthusiasm. At the root of those patterns: fear. Fear that we’re not good enough. That we are not worthy, that someone else might not approve… and on and on.
Those fears wear all sorts of masks and they stand in the way of us naming our deepest desires and going for them whole-heartedly. Do these sound familiar to you? – people pleasing, perfectionism, procrastination to name just a few?
Sometimes it’s as simple as internalizing a careless comment by someone in a position of authority as truth. When I was in the third grade, my class was rehearsing for the winter concert. As I stood in the front belting out a Christmas carol with gusto and glee, my music teacher, Mr. Series, said “Allison, why don’t you go stand in the back row and just mouth the words?” For the next thirty years, despite my passion for singing, I believed that man knew what he was talking about and I just couldn’t carry a tune. It wasn’t until I decided to give it a real try and take some singing lessons that I discovered that simply wasn’t the case. It had never occurred to me that my music teacher was just shirking his responsibility to teach me how to sing. With that one lazy gesture, he literally stuffed my song inside me.
A particularly damaging behavior is engaging in the pernicious “yeah, but habit” that shuts down your possibilities before you even explore them. Let me tell you a story about a middle-aged man I’ll call Jeremy who had been sitting on his BUTS for years. Jeremy sought me out for coaching when he was finally ready to leave his unfulfilling job and wanted help finding something much more stimulating.
He started our first conversation by telling me about the jobs he’d seen advertised for which he was planning to apply. They sounded very similar to his current position, so I asked him if the prospect of landing them really excited him. He demurred and said that no, they didn’t, but they matched his experience and he had a good shot at getting them even though they would be more of the same.
I asked him if he’d come across any jobs that would excite him and he went on to describe his dream job that he’d just seen posted. As he described that opportunity, his energy lit right up. He sat up straighter. His voice was animated. His eyes sparkled as he talked about how huge this opportunity was. I asked him, “isn’t that that the job you really should be applying for?” He replied, “yeah, but they’re probably looking for someone much younger and more tech-savvy”. Then he mentioned all sorts of other buts that scared him away from even imaging he could get this job.
In our coaching sessions, we addressed each of his buts – his fears, really. We imagined every curve ball the hiring CEO might throw his way and came up with a compelling answer for each one. Most of all, we worked until Jeremy saw his gray hair and experience as the assets they were rather than liabilities he feared would make him obsolete in this cutting edge, exciting environment. With that shot of courage, he applied.
Jeremy was exhilarated, though quite nervous, when he was offered an interview for this prestigious position. Sure enough, that CEO threw him some of the curve balls he’d anticipated, but having been so well prepared, he hit them out of the park and landed the position he had been so certain was beyond his reach. Had he let his fears call the shots, he would still be in some mind-numbingly boring office rather than blazing new trails in his field and traveling the world presenting his company’s ground-breaking work.
Don’t die with your song still inside you. Jeremy made a plan to address everything that scared him about applying for the position he was sure was out of his league. And then he surprised himself by landing the job of his dreams. After taking some lessons, I found the courage to sing at a large event with enormous personal significance and did not see even a single person cringe at the sound my voice.
What fears are holding you back from singing your song out loud or going for the job of your dreams? What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Try making a list of all your ‘buts’ and then brainstorming solutions to every potential obstacle you see standing between you and what you truly desire. With a bit of courage and a specific plan, and a re-but-tal for each of your fears, you just might find a path to make your own dream come true.